This year spring has tried to come with its warmth and breeze and new growth spreading across the earth. But winter just can’t seem to let go, and the harsh cold keeps poking its head out and breathing its frost across our days. And we can’t pack up our clothes yet and move on to another season. For the longest time I believed firmly that she would come home in April. And then I released that hope into the winter wind and knew April would be when we held her and whispered, “We’re going to be your mommy and daddy” and left her behind with that promise. But instead April became the month of hope deferred, of dreams not met, and of a thousand tears and a million prayers. And with my heart broken into a thousand pieces, I found myself thinking and caught myself saying, “All that is left to do is pray.” And HE who has never stopped listening, never stopped singing comfort over me, never stopped speaking softly in my ear … He didn’t whisper this time. His conviction stung deep. “Prayer has never been all that is left to do.” Prayer was the beginning more than two years ago when He asked, “Have you forgotten the adoption promise?” And when I responded, “But when, and how, and where,” He whispered in Ben’s ear, “Now”. And we asked a hundred times and a hundred ways, and the answers sometimes came slowly and sometimes came fast and sometimes came all at once. His answers formed our passion and presented our feet with the trail to tread. And if prayers made concrete, we would have paved a path to Africa and back a hundred times already. But most of the time His answer was the long way. Prayer was the middle of the journey too. And as the days dragged on and became two years of leaves turning, falling, and growing back again, the saints joined with us in our weariness and carried us, and prayer was never last. It was never the only thing they could do or the last thing they could do, but it was always the greatest thing they could do on our behalf. And her name rose up to the heavens like a chorus from His people: Aida. And He said: “My son heaved on the cross and sucked in His last breath, and in His sacrifice gave you a gift of freely communicating with Me. And don’t dismiss His payment by dismissing this part of the gift. Talk to Me. Whisper to Me. Sing to Me. Shout to Me. Simply say My name. But don’t mistake prayer as a last resort." There is power in prayer. Prayer is for when disappointment squeezes your heart tight, when grief makes you forget how to breathe, when you are spitting fire, when you have great news, and when you have bad news. It’s for when there is no news at all. It’s for when you’re weary, or when you’re too confused to string together a sentence, or when you’re in the endless wait. It’s for when you don’t want to pray, and it’s for when you can only whisper a word or simply sit and listen to HIS. It’s for when you’re filled with joy and sing out the celestial shout, and it’s for when you’re entangled in the muck and can’t unwrap yourself. It’s for whispering over someone all suffocated by fear or for when you’re the one who’s suffocating. It’s for when winter comes early and stays late. It was for then, and it is for now, and it will be for tomorrow. So all four of us keep whispering His name and her name, the repetition that has become the quiet rhythm in our home and in our hearts as the season’s have passed. And it seems again that His answer is the long way. ("Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise." -James 5:13)
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Thankful List for March: *March 18th- the day we found out we had hit a major hurdle in our adoption process and that losing Aida was/is a possibility. From Jesus Calling that day “exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don’t let your need to understand distract you from My Presence.” *joy and peace in the midst of hard circumstances *He has a plan for Aida; He has her best interests in mind; He loves her most *the Riddles brought Joshua home from China!! (in the spirit of transparency- I'm 95% excited for them, 5% jealous) *canceled plane tickets… in the midst of our heartache He comforts us *“give thanks in ALL circumstances…” 1 Thes. 5:17 *people who constantly check on me through text and facebook and email… it is so good for my aching heart and I appreciate their thoughtfulness so much *my mom and dad still came to visit even though they no longer needed to take care of the kids… so grateful they’ve been here the last few days offering encouragement (AND distractions) *we made it through the days I believed would be some of the hardest: last Wednesday- the day we were suppose to leave to go to Africa, Friday- the day we were suppose to meet Aida, yesterday- the day we were suppose to go to court (I officially really dislike April Fool's day) “I have strength for all things in Christ who empowers me (I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into Me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency). Phil. 4:13 And a few random things that have nothing to do with adoption: *Tuck started going into the worship service with us every Sunday… oh how we’ve enjoyed worshipping with our son *Meegan Weaver agreeing to do a photography workshop that benefits the BSM… so thankful for her generosity with her gifts *good news for the Grubens! *Tucker: “when I get to heaven will I get to meet Peter, James, and John?” *good news for Dianna! *great Spring Break mission trip experiences for our students *a husband that loves me well *relief *we received so much help from different people in various ways this past month… I can’t list it all… thankful to have such servant hearted friends in our life. *Conviction... oh how it hurts but so thankful He wants me to look more like Him *3 wonderful years with our creative, puzzle working, princess loving, animated, beautiful Libby *hard days in motherhood remind of my great insufficiency as a parent and my great need for Him *coloring and dancing with Libby *playing baseball in the backyard with the Tiller’s *how much entertainment a cardboard box, stickers, and some paint can offer *an overnight family escape to Dallas... laughter really is one of the best medicines *being here meant we got to celebrate Holy week/Easter with Tucker and Libby, my parents, and our church family *my Dad and Ben transformed our pantry door and painted the difficult wall leading up our stairway
*my mom helped me paint our bathroom *playing baseball in the backyard with my parents *Jesus Storybook Bible videos and how much our kids enjoy them (you can find them on the Jesus Storybook Bible facebook page) *Ann Voskamp’s beautiful blog: When You're Struggling Through Holy Week. And a small quote from that post: ”He has touched our tears. He has cupped our broken hearts with His scars. He has whispered to the howl, “I know, I know. And I’ve come to begin the making of all things new.” We believe. Because we know. He knows our grief. We know His goodness. And the truth is – we don’t need an explanation from God like we need an experience of God…” |
AuthorWe are a family of five (Ben, Beth, Tucker, Libby, and Zane). We started this blog during our 7 year journey to bring home a child through adoption. This is our story of how God is faithful in the good, the bad, and all the in between. Archives
June 2020
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