She says it with only the honesty a child could muster.
Its evening, and I’m tucking the warmth all around her. The sun’s already vanished the way it does in October in Texas, and I’m looking at her from the tiny light glowing from the hall. With her hair already a mess and a 3-year-old pout, she says fiercely to me: “God’s not bringing Aida home.” And the unspoken is spoken aloud, words hanging there in the dark, taking my breath away. Suddenly, I’m back sitting in early summer’s hot sun. Discovering 2 Samuel 22 as if it is balm to my aching soul. I read it while cooking dinner, food splattering on the page; while sitting at our table with crayons and coloring papers surrounding me; I whisper it through tears on the couch; search for it in the wee hours of the night. It’s what I went back to all summer long and even now into the fall. David’s song of Deliverance “… my God lightens my darkness.” (v. 29) Her statement is really a question. The one we’ve all been asking silently for months: “Why isn’t He?” The tears sting hot on my face, and I utter some words strung together “pray … keep asking … one day” and kiss her good night. But it haunts me for days, the words I’ve never been brave enough to say. HE could bring her home. But He’s not. I talk to my mom on the phone. “I can’t see the good. I can’t see the good in this situation.” “This God — His way is perfect” (v. 31) I’ve been here walking blindly through the haze before. So I keep going. I keep writing down all the little blessings every day, turning back to the page bent with verses highlighted, keep filling our moments with music that remind me of the wonder of His name, scribbling promises in my journal and across chalkboard’s black. And I keep crying. And we keep praying. And keep reciting all that we know deep in our bones that is true of Him and His character. And it’s here in the repetition that I realize: When I can’t see the good in my world, I can still recall all the good that is in HIM. The more time I spend dwelling on the character of my Lord, the less time I have to spend dwelling on the bad in my life. Will I choose this? To call out His Names instead of calling Him names? “For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? This God is my strong refuge …” (vv. 32-33) And the sun goes down early in October, and I look around me and see so many hurting people missing its light. Dear ones who know the gut-wrenching bellyache of loss and turmoil and anger and defeat and physical pain and guilt and uncertainty and blame and confusion. And I ache for them and I am weary. “For you equipped me with strength for the battle …” (vs. 40) I know it before I ever dared to ponder the question: that I can’t explain why He chooses not to do what we know He can do. And I also know that we may never see clearly through the fog of this dark world, but He will equip us to walk through the darkness, He will sanctify us as we walk closer to His sufferings. His Word is the beautiful story of Light coming from the darkness and of a perfect Son who walked through the very black of it and of Glory claimed by a God above it all. There are no easy answers, no perfect clichés, no precise words that clean up the mess or make the hurt disappear for those trudging through the bad and wrestling with the questions. But in the early summer I find God-given hope and promise printed on thin pages. -He makes the dark more bearable. (v. 29) -His way is better than ours. (v. 31) -He is Lord and nothing will happen that is not for His Own Renown and His Ultimate Glory and therefore the good of His kingdom. (v. 32) -He promises us strength for the battles raging within us and around us. (v. 40) I’ve got a mess of a beautiful life that is testimony that His mercies are new every morning. The sun will come up again tomorrow. She tells me today, “I’m going to have a sister. Aida’s my sister. My baby sister.” And I see light.
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Thankful List for September -celebrating in the "happy news" moments with our adoption community -mourning in the "sad news" moments with our adoption community -Fall Line orders and getting to share a percentage with another family in the adoption journey (go see the Fall Line here and read their journey here) -talking with friends who are at the beginning of the adoption journey -continuing to trust that He has a plan for Aida as the wait gets longer -"You call me out upon the waters, The great unknown where feet may fail, And there I find You in the mystery, In oceans deep, My faith will stand. And I will call upon Your name, And keep my eyes above the waves, When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace... Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever you would call me, Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, And my faith will be made stronger, In the presence of my Savior" -Hillsong United And a few random things that have nothing to do with adoption: -going to see Despicable Me 2 as a family (thank you Kelli for the coupon!!) -labor day! -cute new haircut for Libby -the amazing crowds at BSM Wednesday lunches -cutting back on my McDonald's $1 Coke habit and surviving to tell about it :) -good start to preschool for Libby -Friday nights and Party for the Nations -Cracker Barrell's Apple Cinnamon pancake mix (and Ben surprising me with it) -"He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him." (2 Samuel 22:31) -tea parties -Ben and I learning our lesson about Libby and scissors -playing baseball with Tuck -playing football with Tuck -Joseph threw his arms around [his brothers]. "Don't be afraid," he said. "Behind what you were doing, underneath everything that was happening, God was doing something good. God was making everything right again." -The Jesus Storybook Bible -mail from Dianna... one of my favorite things -Libby's Western day at school (her excitement over every second of it) -Mommy/daughter date...Libby finally getting to watch the Little Mermaid (thank you again Kelli!) -Tuck getting to go MSU game at Cowboy Stadium -www.scripturetyper.com -Facetime and how it allows me to "see" my Daddy on his birthday -lunches with Meegan, Vicki, and Kasi -first hot chocolate of the season -Emma Kate and Carly taking our kids to Chuck E Cheese -the invasion of Monopoly in our home (and I will admit, I'm thankful that I've somehow managed to not play it yet) -watching Ben with the kids at Gymanstics Sports Center -Mimi and Pops visiting! -clean windows and a newly framed mirror thanks to their efforts!!! -celebrating Tuck's birthday with friends and family -6 years with our sweet boy -rain! -lots of birthdays and birthday celebrations throughout the month -“... be radical about grace and relentless about truth and resolute about holiness...” - Ann Voskamp
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AuthorWe are a family of five (Ben, Beth, Tucker, Libby, and Zane). We started this blog during our 7 year journey to bring home a child through adoption. This is our story of how God is faithful in the good, the bad, and all the in between. Archives
June 2020
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